Here it is, then, the Discopop Directory Totally Unbiased Top 10 Singles of 2006. As ever, instead of using any critical faculty, this is completely based on iTunes play counts – plus an amazing little bit of algebra that stops records from the start of the year automatically getting to the top of the list. That’s what an AS-Level in maths will do for you, folks.

So, from the top…

1) Nelly Furtado – Maneater
Was there ever any doubt that Maneater would top the list? It’s a perfectly crafted pop single, starting off with a massive drumbeat that screams “look at me“, which is immediately followed (and this is a measure of just how brilliant the writing is) by the line “Everybody look at me“.

Do. You. See. What. They. Did. There? Pure genius.

2) The Raconteurs – Steady As She Goes
I was surprised at this, too. Granted, it toddles along very pleasantly with a crunchy guitar hook and one of those melodies they used to write in olden times, when men rode horses and women had big skirts for the hiding of turnips inside. But the song has probably made its way to the top because it’s suitable for every occasion. I’ve played it in the car, at parties, and in my pyjamas. What a saucepot, eh, viewers?

3) Gnarls Barkley – Crazy
This clearly should have been at number two. I’m currently looking at all that maths and trying to see if I got it wrong somewhere.

I hope I get marks for my working out.

4) Amy Winehouse – Rehab
They tried to make her go to rehab. But do you know what she said? She said NO. Thrice.

What’s more, she did it all over a pseudo-Motown funky soul backbeat that made everyone go “oooh, she’s not half bad, is she?”. Top marks, too, for referencing Donnie Hathaway and Ray Charles.

And did you see Winehouse’s fantastic appearance on TV pop quiz Never Mind The Buzzcocks???

5) Robyn – Konichiwa Bictches
Shame on you, punters, for not buying this sugary slab of fizzy pop. It’s as good as a Wham bar, only on CD. Here’s a sample of the words in the song, which are completely nutso-bonkers:

I’ll hammer your toe
Like a pediatrician
Saw you in half
Like I’m a magician
Tear you down
Like I’m in demolition
Count you out
Like a mathematician

Luckily for you, its being re-released in 2007. Buy it, and slip into a musical diabetic coma.

6) Beyoncé – Irreplaceable
Let’s face it, Beyoncé needed a bloody great ballad in her back catalogue to offset all those gloopy Destiny’s Child stinkers. This will duly be her pension fund – a great big kiss-off to a cheating partner with not a small amount of ego in the chorus. “I can have another you in a minute” indeed. Get her.

7) Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
Muse generally write ridiculously overblown rock operas that would make Freddie Mercury think: “Actually, that’s taking things a bit far“, even if he was riding on Liberace’s back in a gold lamé jumpsuit at the time. So this three-minute pop song was something of a surprise. Coming on like Britney Spears on one of her dark days, it made Muse fans furious. “It sounds just like a fucking song to dance to when you’re at a wedding,” fumed one. But isn’t that exactly the point, my dear?

8) Red Hot Chili Peppers – Dani California
Initially, this sounded like every other Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. Seven months on, it still sounds like every Red Hot Chili Peppers song ever. But why change a successful formula? In fact, why not just go mental and make a double album of the same song over and over and over again? “Yes, that’s what we should do,” quoth the Peppers. Marvellous.

9) Nelly Furtado – Promiscous
Hmmm… I suspect this is making an appearance in the Top 10 because its right next to Maneater on Nelly’s album, meaning I automatically listen to it at least twice a week. It has a clever lyrical conceit, if you discount all the other duets about a man and a woman chatting each other up – i.e. every duet in history except that one where Nick Cave does away with Kylie Minogues.

10) Girls Aloud – Something Kinda Ooooh
Well, they had to make an appearance, didn’t they? The trailer for their hugely successful Greatest Hits album, Ooooh was a proper saucy little dance minx. There was an allusion to the sex act involving the bottom and something about a Toot-toot – which be a veiled reference to a lady’s mimsy if I’m not mistaken. Oooh-er.

So, there you have it. If you haven’t heard any of these (a) get thee to iTunes forthwith and (b) where have you been all year?

I’ll be back in 2007 with my top 10 albums, and a review of Kylie’s comeback tour in Wembley. Have a great New Year everyone!

JANUARY
:: Everyone was talking about the Arctic Monkeys and how they used the intertron to become famous. This very quickly became a pattern for mediocre bands who wanted a bit of press coverage.
:: A picture of Mariah Carey looking fat started doing the rounds. It was fake, but that didn’t stop people sending it to me every sodding week for the next six months.
:: Promo copies of Nelly Furtado‘s new material came out, including an unfinished version of Maneater. Nothing else came close all year.

FEBRUARY
:: Lots of people got excited about Betty Boo’s comeback single, Wigwam. And then they heard it.
::Prince performed at the Brits. In a year where the Kaiser Chiefs and James Blunt dominated the awards, he was seemingly there just to point out how shit they were.
:: Coldplay announced they were “taking a break” and, God bless them, kept their word.
:: Smash Hits closed. Sniff.

MARCH
:: Michael Jackson was forced to close Neverland after it turned out he wasn’t Peter Pan, but a creepy old perv.
:: Regina Spektor sorted herself out and released some proper pop songs, without all the random yelps and warbling that besmirched her previous records. The album, Begin To Hope, was the best one we heard all year. She also did a tour, which we missed. :(

APRIL
:: Nintendo changed the name of their new games console from Revolution to Wii. How we laughed.
:: Take That done a tour and everyone wet their knickers.
:: Simon and Miquita quit Popworld, leaving two talentless shitbags to mug and preen their way through the show formerly known as ‘brilliant’.
:: The Cardigans were ace. And so were The Sugababes v3.0

MAY
:: We saw a French lady called Camille on the TV and liked her a lot. Even though she wrote on her face with eyeliner.
:: Girls Aloud brought an asthma roadie on tour, along with some excellent songs and ropey costumes. We did a review.
:: The BBC’s Storyfix team used some Discopop music on their podcast, and lots of people turned up to download it (from here). They never came back, though. Ungrateful bastards.
:: Janet Jackson released an internet-only exclusive song as a precursor to her rubbish new album. Precisely two people gave a shit. Another three gave a rat’s ass.

JUNE
:: There was a football competition called the World Cup and people went a bit nuts.
:: Kimberley out of Girls Aloud ate forty-seven kilograms of cocaine wrapped up in a pancake, or something.

JULY
:: Top of the Pops was cancelled. Double sniff.
:: Kylie, who had been sick, stopped being sick and announced a string of comeback concerts. They sold out like hot buns during a hot bun shortage in bun appreciation month.
:: The Arctic Monkeys won the Mercury and Girls Aloud won the Popjustice. Nobody was surprised at either result.
:: An offhand comment from mrsdiscopop comparing the Pet Shop Boys to a Nintendo game made about 5,000 people visit the site in a day. How queer.

AUGUST
:: Jamelia came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that people had stopped caring in the interim. Poor Jamelia.
:: The Killers came back after an 18-month absence, only to discover that everyone had begun to seriously over-rate them in the interim.

SEPTEMBER
:: We liked Mitchell and Webb’s new comedy programme. That’s Numberwang!
:: Justin Timberlake brought sexy back. Except he’s a minger with the cold, dead eyes of a murderer.
:: Banksy did naughty things to Paris Hilton’s CD, the scamp.

OCTOBER
:: Gwen Stefani announced her comeback. Everyone covered their ears and ran away screaming.
:: Madonna kidnapped a baby from Africa then pretended to be surprised when people were upset. Silly Madonna.
:: Mel Gibson had a drink and said some naughty things about the Jews, then pretended to be sorry when people were upset. Naughty Mel.

NOVEMBER
:: Matt Willis ate a bumhole on the telly, and he still couldn’t make anyone buy his records.
:: Michael Jackson went to an awards show and said he wasn’t going to sing. The organisers shoved a children’s choir on the stage and he couldn’t help following them out. A lot of people were very angry because he was not doing Thriller, although I personally thought it was very creepy.
:: Girls Aloud put out a Greatest Hits album and it went to number one. Everyone decided they were quite good after all and the band decided not to split up just yet. Result!

DECEMBER
:: A newly single Britney Spears showed us her minge. Over and over and over again.
:: Lots of people bought a Wii and broke their telly.
:: Jordan and Peter’s album got some of the best reviews in the world… ever.

Wow – I could have just done this post and s
lept for the rest of the year. Anyway, thanks to anyone who came along and read this humble blog in 2006. I’ll try to put up my top ten singles and albums next week – but if I don’t manage it, have a great Chrimbo and a swingorilliant New Year.

mrdiscopop

One of the best things about the Wii is the little application that lets you make a character based on yourself (called a Mii) which can then be dragged into games, sent to other people’s Wiis over the internet or loaded onto your remote so you can bring it round to your mate’s house and beat up his Mii on Wii Sports Boxing. It’s quite a simple application, but I’ve already spent about six hours messing around with it.

It seems I’m not the only one. A blog called kottke has been running a competition to find the best celebrity Mii. Here are some of my favourites:

Left to right: Charlie Brown, Hannibal Lecter Jack Black, Woody Allen,

If anyone wants to send their Miis to, erm, me you can register my console with the following details
Wii number: 1009 2440 7878 8115
Nickname: mrdiscopop

Probably not – surely she can afford a better Photoshop artist than the girl down at Snappy Snaps – but a small part of me really hopes it is.

Joseph Barbera, who invented all of the above cartoon characters – plus Hong Kong Phooey, Tom and Jerry, and about 85 others – has died aged 95.

I’d wax lyrical here about how much I love the work he did with fellow animator William Hanna, but somebody’s already paid me good money to do it (the fools!). Read it here: Hanna Barbera’s Golden Age of animation

The only thing missing from the article is the opening titles to Hong Kong Phooey, so here you go:

Here is a brand new song from creepy Canuck anthem-merchants The Arcade Fire, as premiered on Zane Lowe’s Radio One show last week.

The band’s last album, Funeral Songs, was a corking mix of overblown guitars, impassioned vocals and violins played right on that line that separates “powerful” from “screeching noise”. It was nothing short of utter brilliance.

The new song, Intervention, continues in exactly the same vein – but with the added excitement of a church organ (woooh!). It probably won’t be a single – the intro is far too long for radio – but it’s already got me excited about the band’s new album, Neon Bible.

Have a listen by clicking on this chuffing link right here