It's been a while, so what has been happening in the world of pop?

:: Rihanna went to number one with her Umberamella. You can stand under it, apparently.

:: Avril Lavigne did not get her waps out for Blender magazine, but they made it look like she did. Avril is not offended, because they paid her in whisky and cupcakes. So that's alright, then.

:: Cheryl Tweedy called Lily Allen a "chick with a dick" after heavy provocation from Gordon Ramsay on his not-as-good-as-it-used-to-be TV show the F-Word. How does she know? Did Ashley Cole [rest of joke deleted on advice of lawyers]?

:: George Michael told Parky that smoking spliffs is, like, totally awesome dude. "Nobody ever came home stoned and beat up their wife," he argues. And they say dope dulls the mind...

:: Beth Ditto got her top off at a concert and people went a bit bananas. It is best not to search for pictures on the internet unless you have a very happy relationship with jam roly poly.

:: Bjork's Volta album was not the return to form we'd all be promised. Instead, it sounded like two cats fighting over a washing machine.

:: Lily Allen wrote a love letter to Cheyl Tweedy on the myspace. "I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs without the aid of autotune . I must say taking your clothes off , doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying , your mother must be so proud , stupid bitch ." Ouch!

:: A probably not very legal collection of rare Madonna and Nelly Furtado tracks went online at Only VIP Media. Get them while you can.

:: Michael Jackson is trying to put a stop to an auction of his personal effects which, claim the owners, include paintings of young naked boys. What’s this? Michael Jackson - the cuddly, friendly Peter Pan of Pop - likes pictures of young men all in the buff and nudey? I don't believe a word of this villainous claptrap.

:: Paris Hilton really is going to jail. In the words of Kermit the Frog: "Yayyyyy!"

:: Cheryl Tweedy 'remembered' (was told by a journalist) that Lily Allen has recently called her bandmates ugly and vile and husband Ashley Cole horrendous. "I can't stand people who give it but aren't prepared to get it back," she told The Sun. “I left school a long time ago and have no time for this." "Are you writing this down?" she probably did not add.

:: Germaine Greer read an article I wrote on the BBC website, likening Serbia's Eurovision-winning performance to a slow-motion lesbian porn film. "Shame on him," she wrote in The Guardian. I hold my hands up, Germaine. I've never seen a lesbian porn film. Have you?

Labels: bjork, eurovision, george michael, Girls Aloud, gossip, Lily Allen, madonna, Michael Jackson, Music, Nelly Furtado

Still without an internet connection at home (only a week to go, I'm promised) so here's another perfunctory update.

a) I am listening to Amerie's new album, Because I Like It, right now. It is fucking fantastic. Really, really, fucking brilliant. I'm on track seven and there hasn't been a shitty ballad or hideous "crunk" track with Lil' Jon yet. By default, this makes it the best R&B album since 1997.

b) We got tickets to see Prince in London! I nearly wet myself with excitement but in the end I decided just to go "weee" with my mouth instead.

c) Remember the video of the people lip-syncing to the theme tune of Peep Show that I posted last week? It turns out this group of people spend their entire working day making stupid videos for the internet. Look:





I hate them, but I want to be their friends.

d) The Eurovision was brilliant. I wasn't realy expecting to have such a laugh - but I met Terry Wogan, got to play with the pyrotechnics, comiserated with Scooch and flirted with the Georgian lady (through a translator - a rather disconcerting experience). Obviously, the show itself was shit and the voting a joke, but that's what it's all about, no?

That's all for now. Love you, bye!

Labels: amerie, eurovision, Music, Prince, video

So I've arrived in Finland for the Eurovision Song Contest. I'm currently in the press area at the Helsinki Hartwall Arena, where everyone else is working and I'm, em, updating my blog. None of the keys are in the right place on this keyboard, which should make the next couple of days a bit more challenging...

I got here at about 1200 local time today. The taxi driver who picked me up at the airport opened our conversation by saying: "You're from England? Your song is crap". He's not wrong, so I've suddenly 'remembered' my Irish heritage.

Anyway, my being out of the UK means continued sporadic updates of this here website which is probably more frustrating for me than it is for you. However, you can read about my Finn fun on the BBC website by pointing your webular browser over here.

Labels: discopop, eurovision

I'm off to Helsinki for the Eurovision Song Contest next week - for work, I hasten to add. I'm not entirely sure what to expect... I hear it's run with ruthless efficiency, and that the fans - most of whom are already there - are a little bit on the psycho nutjob side of sanity. Perhaps I'll end up with the same fixed grin as the two hosts Mikko Leppilampi and Jaana Pelkonen (that's them on the right).

What I have been able to ascertain in advance is the quality of th music. There actually seems to be quite a high standard, given past form. Cyprus, Georgia, Sweden and Finland all have fairly acceptable songs. The less said about the UK's entry - which is one long, tedious knob gag - the better.

But, of course, the main joy of Eurovision is the lyrics. This year sees a paucity of nonsense words (diggy-loo, diggy-lay anyone?!) but there are still some corking attempts to mangle the English language. Here are my favourites so far...


BULGARIA - Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankoulov / Water
Lo, a reckless lad, leading a pony

GERMANY – Roger Cicero / Frauen Regier'n Die Welt
When I found out she wanted to save the environment
I sewed "No thanks" on my parka

ISRAEL - Teapacks / Push The Button
The world is full of terror
If someone makes an error
He's gonna blow us up to biddy biddy kingdom come

FRANCE - Les Fatals Picards / Love The French Way
I am looking for you in the streets
I didn't come because you aren't there any more

CZECH REPUBLIC - Kabát / Little Lady
Behind the railway is her nest
She collects coins from fountains
And then she puts them on the tracks
She's building herself a temple, a bridge made of tin
Already being crossed by the first passenger
So that his legs won't hurt


UKRAINE - Verka Serduchka / Dancing Lasha Tumbai
Hello everybody!
My name is Verka Serduchka
Me English don't understand!
Let's speak DANCE!

Seven, seven, bye-bye
Seven, seven, one, two
Seven, seven, bye-bye
One, two, three

[You can read lyrics from every year of the Eurovision at The Diggiloo Thrush]

Labels: eurovision, Music

New Young Pony Club - The Bomb

Labels: ds, eurovision, humour, mika, Music, new young pony club

As we send a bunch of smug twats off to Eurovision to further degrade the UK's musical heritage, let's take a moment to consider Georgia's entry:



How about that? There's so much happening in that song that I'm not even sure what type of music it is. Electronic? Folk? Power Ballad? It's like Bjork channelling Shirley Bassey in a East Berlin discotheque while the Gipsy Kings hammer on the door with a banjo. And if that wasn't enough, the singer (Sopho Khalvashi) performs in a massive frock from which five people emerge like eggy babies.

You wouldn't have thought it possible, but our clunking parody of Europop (with a knob gag) seems even more lame that it did on Saturday night, doesn't it?

Labels: eurovision, Music, video

And so it came to pass that the Great British public chose a group of failed Butlins entertainers to represent them at the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest.



Did you spot all those references to oral sex? Hilarious.

Labels: eurovision, Music, video